Oh crikey!! Hold it together now Snaz!

Cor blimey, like I didn’t see this feeling coming.
Right so since I last wrote, someone suggested trying to find Sian’s mum via Friends Reunited, so I gave it a go.
Sure enough, I found her, and another old mutual friend too. So after careful contemplation I fired off a message to them both. Very different messages of course.
 
What was in the letter? Well, good question, but a tough one too. Writing a message to the mother of your almost 14 year old daughter who you have not seen for nearly 10 years is never going to be easy. Even the UN, the Pope or someone of high stature would have difficulty finding the right words to say "please dont delete this, read me first". Then go on to explain what is going through your mind, and what your objectives are… WITHOUT boring the tits off the person, and rambling with pointless apologies and statements. (a bit like this entry is turning into)
 
In short, I kept it as simple as possible, mentioned mum was ill, said Sian has 2 cousins, and that I would love to see those parts of the family reunited somehow, before mum gets too ill.
I also pointed out im not expecting to be seen as any sort of dad, father or anything like that, just want to know whats happened, how she is, and her mum of course, and if I can ever be there, then I will.
 
So the message was sent last night. I have no idea how much she uses the internet, nor if she will even get the message. And if she does, will she reply?
Well I have decided that 2 weeks is a good amount of time to allow for reading, contemplation and a reply, or indeed to identify that she does not use the internet much and will not get the message. Either way, if I have heard nothing in a couple of weeks, I will check out the next option. But until then…..
 
Well until then my head will continue to spin, my sleep will remain broken, and my heart will sit in my mouth…… waiting.
Im SO happy I am doing this, but at the same time im petrified that it will go a little negative, Knowing she is married now, and that her husband has been a father to Sian for 10 years, what will his reaction be. I dont for one second want to take anything away from him, he has been there, while I have not. So I really hope that there is no conflict between the 2 of us, as there is no need for it.
 
Thinking about timelines and how things had happened before, one of the reasons I am telling myself that I was "cutoff" is so her mum could make a new start with her now husband. Before, when she had started seeing guys, I was naturally not happy with them being there with my daughter, and if im honest, made things a little difficult. That said, I was also there to help when one of them turned violent with her, and like to think I did the right thing then.
 
Either way, its 10 years later, we have all grown up, all moved on and done our own things. But right now, I know what I feel is the right thing to happen, and thats Sian see mum, and me at least offer an olive branch, if not for now, for the future.
 
So watch this space, as soon as I know something, the internet will too.
 
Im going back to being a nervous wreck now.
 
Take care all
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