A simple question, from which direction is your perspective of yourself better?
Having spent the past few weeks taking a closer look at who I am at this moment in time, I realise there are big differences in who I wish to be perceived as, and who I am
To want to be looked upto as a listener, and realising you are actually sometimes in a constant game of comparison and oneupmanship. is quite a worry. And one of the main things that has caused me to realise I am not the man I thought I was.
Not to say that I am a bad person, but I have found that other peoples problems are the outlet for my own. Choosing to hide emotion and bottle up stress, and other things I actually want to talk about, to vent, to get out of my mind. Until of course someone starts the ball rolling by wanting to talk about their problems. Then all hell breaks loose in my mind, and all the thoughts start to flow. Almost like a visit to the shrink (not that I have ever been…. hmm), triggering all the bad memories that I need out of my mind.
However instead of having the sort of conversation I would have years ago, I find myself in almost a battle to better the person who is in need of comfort.
Not I should add, in a nasty way, belittling them, just comparing experiences, but maybe in an over agressive manner.
The outcome, im not sure really, I "think" the other person goes away feeling that they are not alone, and hopefully understanding their situation, or state of mind a little better. I hope this is the case anyway.
I on the other hand am left open and vunerable, and maybe even a little down. Opening the floodgates of emotion is all well and good if there is room for the emotions to flow into. However if there is not, and your mind is full and busy of other thoughts, the rush of emotion can be all too much for you, and you find yourself in emotional melt down. The exact state you have avoided by bottling it all up.
Is it a vicious circle, do we need a marathon session to clear our minds, not stopping until we are clear minded again. All the dark thoughts, allthe little things that add up to be something big and worrying, all out in the open, and floating off down stream with the thoughts of many others? Or do we need to keep these thoughts in our mind? Not to haunt, but to remind us of things we dont want to do again, or places we dont want to be again.
Are these thoughts and memories we fear just rational things, that most cope with as a learning experience, or are they indeed deeper, more hurtful that any person would struggle with?
Compared to pain, its a similar story. Some for example cope well with the sensation of a tattoo being done. Others however writh in pain. I think it is exactly this myself. We all have pain threasholds, and consider these only applicable to physical pain, forgetting that pain is actually a mental state, something the mind creates for us.
So going back to mental pain, some people have a higher threashold to mental pain, mental hurt, than others. We just fail to identify this, and catagorise people by their ability to lock out mental pain.
Work calls, back soon…