Its times like this that my mind works overtime on seriously deep thought. Not trying to solve the worlds mysteries, not claiming to be a shrink or an author. Just good to let thoughts and words flow through and out of your mind. Rather than allowing them to flood the mind with confused thoughts.
So I reflect…. I think about the 35 years I have been about now, the differences I have made to peoples lives. A couple saved, maybe a couple here and there ruined by my decisions and actions. And now here I am with just one life…. my mothers. Wondering if I can make a difference to this one. In the time, be it short of long, that she has left, what difference could I make to this one life so close to my own. Flowing with the same blood, the being that I was born of.
Through childhood times were hard. Yes I was a challenging little sod, but through it all I think my mum is proud of who and what I became. Not having to visit me in prison, put up with violence brought to my own doorstep. No drunken rows, discoveries of drugs, or orgies in the lounge. Just a simple child with a hunger for knowledge, and striving to rise above the poverty line he grew up on.
Regrets are something I fail to identify with, so I have no regrets or bad feelings about how I was brought up. I believe I know right from wrong. I believe I have good moral values, and have adopted most things my mum holds dear to her. Perfect son, far from it. Loyal and loving, most definatly.
As I reached adulthood, things in my life changed somewhat. Having been "the man" of the house since an early age, I finally had time to find myself in amongst the mess I called a life. Finding work, repsonsbility, love, sex, parenthood, to name but a few, all in a very short period of time.
I have worked hard, never rolled over and accepted defeat, and never been one to accept second best. For me, only the best I can achieve is acceptable. Again a soft subtle but clear message I have been brought up with.
Once I reached adulthood, and started to earn a living, the question I often look back and ask is, have I given back to the person who gave me so much. I would like to say yes I have, and as much as I can. But I think this would not be true. In fact, I dont think it would be true for many people to be fair. So many look back at a lost loved one, and think how things could have been different. I know I have wondered at times how different things could have been with my nan before she passed away. But at the end of it, I remember one thing. Life is FULL of uncertainties, and as my book (yes I am writing a book) mentions, the Sliding Doors effect.
Everything we do affects the next door we come to. One different decision in our past, and we would be on a totally different life plane. So looking back like that, almost with doubt or regret is just not worth doing.
Having the opportunity to look forwards however is another matter. With the news I have received and the knowledge I have about the future for my mum, what can I do.
Well I think the answer to that is clear, but can be tackled a couple of ways. Blunt and to the point "10 things to do before you die" Live a little, plan forwards, and make sure any aspirations are fulfilled. Dreams achieved, and goals scored.
Or there is the subtle but less convincing way. Stumble in the dark trying to make things as good as you can make them, without daring to ask what THEY want.
For me, I only know one way, and thats blunt, so I am making sure I help tick all the boxes for mum right now. Humour, caring, a little love, and lots of time together.
From this point in I am sure I will be there for every appointment, every consultation, treatment or even quick visits. One thing I know about my mother is the face she hides behind is no where near as strong as she would like to make out. A weakness I noticed many years ago, and have always carefully taken into account, and made sure regardless of the story she spins, that she is cared for. Decisions made for her has become a common thing now.
Now its 2008, and I have so many things going on in life. Some great, some expected, some a bit annoying, and one of concern to me. The rest just fall to the back of my mind. But am I upset, confused, bewildered…… I honestly dont think I am. Having dealt with death a number of times, both losing family, and dealing with the death of a 3rd party in accidents etc, for some reason has never got to me the way it does some.
Am I cold? Am I holding back grief, I really dont think I am. Death is an eventuality of all life, some is premature, others unfairly painful and drawn out, but the one part that gets most is the loss. Which is strange as its the only certain thing we all share in our lives together. Knowing one day we will pass away.
Be rich, have children, learn to drive, marry…… these are all things we have an element of control over. But the one thing we dont have control over, is the one thing we fear most. Rational or irrational, its hard to say really.
My take on it is simple, its coming, prepare and live each day like your last. Say "I love you", speak your mind, strive to achieve YOUR goals, and most of all….. take a deep breath, and think one wonderful thought…….. "i’m alive" What a gift, what an experience… truly once in a lifetime 🙂
Am I going on now? I apologise if I am, but I am just writing the next word as it comes to the front of my mind. The train of thought running through my head right now is a fully loaded commuter train. Carrying so many things……….. next stop, who knows.
As this day draws to an end, I am left wondering now. Will mum go ahead with the Chemo? If she does, will she return for another session or choose to drop out as the side effects are not to her liking. Will she ever break and show her true emotions about the whole matter. I am 35 and dont need to hide behind her apron strings now. She can be herself and set her mind free. Share her thoughts and emotions openly about the whole matter.
Hearing her say last week that she was glad I was there with her, was probably the most loving thing said that I can recall. And now I know that being there for her throughout this whole thing is the right thing to do.
Time to go and do some reading now and start to digest yet another chapter of this whole tale, before reflecting and spewing out another entry like this one.
Thank you for listening to my heart, thank you for experiencing the flow from my mind.
This whole matter will no doubt make a few more chapters in my book, one day maybe publishing will finally be an option.
Good night all.