Hello world, im back….. kinda

Well. I logged in to check something and noticed the migration to wordpress was possible, and thought it would be rude not to. So here I am.

Its been almost exactly two years I think since the last entry here, and a lot has changed. No great news to report, well I guess mum still being with us could be heralded as fantastic news, certainly is to me. However there are more twists in the past 2 years than a winding mountain road. Illness, operations is just the tip of the iceberg.

Here is a quick catch up. I have put some weight back on after all my efforts of weight loss, mainly due to decent stresses. I am still with my girlfriend Chantal, 8 years in March. Mum is still with us, and following a mastectomy she was further diagnosed with lung and brain cancer. My aunt in Wales also now has breast and bone cancer. My oldest friend was killed in a motorcycle accident last July (7/7). My sister has had 2 more children, and my daughter turns 16 on Feb 10th (happy birthday for then Sian)

For the rest of it, well its all over on Blogger.com . www.michaelsnasdell.blogspot.com to be precise.

I will however be back over here from time to time to check in and update. This blog was my first, so I will never abandon it totally.

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I have moved…..

Hi there, and thanks if you still follow this blog. My apologies for the lack of posting, but thats all about to change….
But it will be here instead…. http://michaelsnasdell.blogspot.com/
 
Hope you keep following, I will be back to regular blogging from now on.
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Some people eh, take too much to heart!

Well its true isn’t it. Without saying another word on the matter, my job is done.
 
Moving on..
Another fun filled day, dogs sorted by the first thing this morning, and then it was hospital time.
After some delays in the waiting room, as expected I guess, mum was seen. From what the consultant says he is pleased with the progress. Far from out of the water, but he says progress is being made. No appointments with that consultant for 3 months now. However there is still the other doctor at Guys who she is still under.
There are more appointments there in the coming weeks and months, and treatment including the next bout of radiotherapy are yet to come.
 
Either way her spirits are lifted and she is happy, so thats got to be a good thing.
 
I however have a couple of appointments in the coming week, for my poorly arm, and to see when the next surgery will be. 2 hospitals, 2 days, and a lot of time at work lost, which is a real pain in the arse I have to say.
 
In the meantime, Sian I hear you say. Well……… nothing. There is nothing to tell at this stage, no reply to the message sent. But as soon as there is something, you know me, I will post everything there is to know.
 
So an easier nights sleep tonight for me, with one less immediate worry. But there is always something to replace the last worry, we all know that eh.
 
Til next time….. try not to take life too seriously, and remember, words are only words, its the punch in the eye that hurts in reality.
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The end of a day, and the brain is settling

Well, its the end of an uneventful day the truth be known. The afternoon spent at work, doing an average job, with some less than average people. A few gems amongst them though.
But it has given me time to breathe, reflect, and most of all calm myself down a bit by means of distraction.
There is a limit to the amount of good fresh air, and walking the dogs can do you. And sadly having all that time, thinking hard, and talking to yourself are 2 of the things I find myself doing most when walking the dogs. So not the best medicine when you have a lot on.
I think I have gone through about every variable possible so far, what can be said, what was said, what happened and could yet happen. I have played out many scenes in my mind, but im sure at the end of it there still remains a curve ball and a suprise in there somewhere. This is life we are talking about after all.
 
A little time spent on Friends Reunited making my profile readable, and hopefully some how warming should it be read by Sian’s mum. Maybe she will read this instead, who knows eh. Either way, I am trying right now to reach out in as many ways possible, without over doing it. To be available, approachable, and most of all trying to be myself.
 
Like I say, thanks to the train of thought calling at all stations today, the panic which was hounding me has slipped away. However I get the impression that the train of thought is actually running on the Circle Line, and will call at all the same stations again and again, for some time yet.
 
Until then, I will be taking baby steps, not over reaching or trying to run with anything. Just keeping it simple, and starting each day with a little hope, and ending each day with a little prayer.
 
Take care, back soon.
 
 
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Oh crikey!! Hold it together now Snaz!

Cor blimey, like I didn’t see this feeling coming.
Right so since I last wrote, someone suggested trying to find Sian’s mum via Friends Reunited, so I gave it a go.
Sure enough, I found her, and another old mutual friend too. So after careful contemplation I fired off a message to them both. Very different messages of course.
 
What was in the letter? Well, good question, but a tough one too. Writing a message to the mother of your almost 14 year old daughter who you have not seen for nearly 10 years is never going to be easy. Even the UN, the Pope or someone of high stature would have difficulty finding the right words to say "please dont delete this, read me first". Then go on to explain what is going through your mind, and what your objectives are… WITHOUT boring the tits off the person, and rambling with pointless apologies and statements. (a bit like this entry is turning into)
 
In short, I kept it as simple as possible, mentioned mum was ill, said Sian has 2 cousins, and that I would love to see those parts of the family reunited somehow, before mum gets too ill.
I also pointed out im not expecting to be seen as any sort of dad, father or anything like that, just want to know whats happened, how she is, and her mum of course, and if I can ever be there, then I will.
 
So the message was sent last night. I have no idea how much she uses the internet, nor if she will even get the message. And if she does, will she reply?
Well I have decided that 2 weeks is a good amount of time to allow for reading, contemplation and a reply, or indeed to identify that she does not use the internet much and will not get the message. Either way, if I have heard nothing in a couple of weeks, I will check out the next option. But until then…..
 
Well until then my head will continue to spin, my sleep will remain broken, and my heart will sit in my mouth…… waiting.
Im SO happy I am doing this, but at the same time im petrified that it will go a little negative, Knowing she is married now, and that her husband has been a father to Sian for 10 years, what will his reaction be. I dont for one second want to take anything away from him, he has been there, while I have not. So I really hope that there is no conflict between the 2 of us, as there is no need for it.
 
Thinking about timelines and how things had happened before, one of the reasons I am telling myself that I was "cutoff" is so her mum could make a new start with her now husband. Before, when she had started seeing guys, I was naturally not happy with them being there with my daughter, and if im honest, made things a little difficult. That said, I was also there to help when one of them turned violent with her, and like to think I did the right thing then.
 
Either way, its 10 years later, we have all grown up, all moved on and done our own things. But right now, I know what I feel is the right thing to happen, and thats Sian see mum, and me at least offer an olive branch, if not for now, for the future.
 
So watch this space, as soon as I know something, the internet will too.
 
Im going back to being a nervous wreck now.
 
Take care all
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So much in just a few days… Blimey

Its only been a few days since I wrote anything, and already there is so much to say, im not sure where to start.
I guess it would be the right thing to do to start off by paying my respects to Stuart Emms. Someone I have known for quite a few years now, meeting him first in Sutton (Surrey) as part of the car scene, back in the big days of Cruise-South.
Stuart sadly lost his battle with cancer last night, stolen from us at just 28, so my thoughts go out to his partner Sophie, and the family he leaves behind. No more pain mate, RIP Stuart, you will be missed.
 
Then closer to home there is the on going saga of my sister. Who after her, what I can only describe as "cameo appearance" on Xmas say, has not been seen since (again). But has however announced that her long suffering boyfriend Dave, has proposed to her. You poor sod Dave :o)
 
Sian, I can hear you asking. Well yes, a little more digging has brought me closer to my belief that its definatly my daughter. But as said before, the attempts at contact will not start until January when all required services are back open fully. I have remained amazingly well composed about it all I have to say. Lets hope I can keep that up when it all starts.
Thank you to everyone for their messages of support :o)
 
Right I guess I better make a mad dash to work now, the plumber is here fitting a new toilet, so I am running behind.
Oh I almost forgot, im dieting again now ;o)
 
More to follow
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So this is Christmas?

For the first time this millenium, yes, genuinly for the first time since the end of the 1900’s I am actually feeling a little festive.
Its not that I dont like Christmas, I have some great memories of it, in Wales with my family, as a child. The excitement the night before Christmas etc.
But for me, for the past 10 years there has been something missing. The X Factor of Xmas if you want…………. children. Or more precisely my child.
For years now I have tried to ignore this time of year, as without Sian, I dont really want Xmas, or birthdays for that matter.
 
Obviously with the recent turn of events, it sort of relights the fire a bit, and gives me something to be happy about. She may not be here, but I know she is out there still, and for that reason alone, it would be the right thing to do, to try and move on a little, and start enjoying these times again.
 
On the flip side of the coin, it could also be my mums last Xmas too, so all the more reason to try and be a little more festive.
 
Im not going to turn this into a massive entry, so will leave it here by saying, Merry Christmas Sian, I am thinking of you as I have thought of you every year since ’98, and still miss you as much as I ever did. I hope ’09 can be the start of making things right, at least with our family, if not between me and you too.
 
And Merry Xmas mum, I hope its not your last with us, but if it is, then thank you for all the wonderful times you have given me over many years at this time of year.
Thank you, and I love you :o) x
 
Right thats me done…. Have a great Christmas everyone, stay safe, and heres to the holiday period, and the start of ’09.
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